"The beginning of a life long Journey"

First off I want to start off saying thank you to my friends and family who have been very supportive. Also a special thanks to Jeannie Warner who has been on me to start this blog. I love you Jeannie and thanks for being such a great friend to me. My weight has gone up and down my entire life but I was never really over weight till after my first child. God bless the mothers a endless thankless job most of the time . I did the typical firt time mommy thing stayed in sweats most of the time and was lucky to get a chance to even get a shower in. I focused on making sure my baby looked cute and was well taken care of. Which is a good thing but there needs to be balance in all things. I got depressed off in on and I struggled with self loathing most my life never likeing what I saw in the mirror and not listening to people when they complimented me. I would often say thank you and laugh and some how put my self down. I remeber my mother telling me I was beautiful at a very younge age and saying what ever you have to say that your my mother. Sad thing is I truely believed that. So how does some one who basically hates them selves and treats them self that way get freed of that self hatred and retrain themselves to think more positively? It takes one small step at a time! It does not happen over night! I know you have heard this before but its true THERE IS NO MAGIC PILL and if you dont change the way you think you will most likely fail at every atempted of weightloss! I dont say that to sound mean its just the facts. Believe me I am one of those people who have tried numerous diets and lost some and gained more back. I was not motivated when I started this in January 2008. In fact I had told my self I had to lose 10 pounds before joining weight watchers because I was to humiliated to get on the scale. Which is funny to me you have to lose weight before joining weight watchers? In December 2007 I had reached a all time high and avoided going to family functions I didnt want to let people see me. I cried almost on a daily basis for a few weeks and then decided to go to a lap band seminar. I felt this was my last hope. I even told my husband I hope your ok with this because I will probably never lose wieght and will always be fat. In my head I was a failure. Some people made comments and even a some family about my weight which would send me into a spiriling downward depression where all I wanted to do was run to the fridge and cry and pitty myself. I kept telling myself how much I hated me how much I was disgusted with myself. Believe me I didnt need anyone to point out my weight I did it every day.
Even in highschool when I was not fat I would tell myself I was. I had hated myself for many years. I look back at pictures and laught and think gee I thought I was fat and ugly man I wish I could have enjoyed life more. There was even a point when I refused to get on a plane and visit family because I was afraid the stewartess would have to give me a extender. I kept saying I wanted to go to disneyland or a theme park but really didnt because I was scared they would tell me sorry you are to big you cant ride this ride or the safety restraints wouldnt fit. So here I was paralysed by my weight not living life and hating myself but I woke up on January 8th 2008 and threw clothes on and told my husband Im going to weight watchers. I didnt really want to go in fact I was not even motivated that it would work this time. I just thought I'll go and maybe something will change and maybe the motivation would come. I was so nervous that morning i remember even being tempted to turn around and forget about it. I kept saying you dont have to be embarrased you can just go home no one will ever even know. But for some reason I didnt. I went in to sign up and I was so scared. When the ladies there looked at me I thought for sure they are judging me. Thats what I had trained myself to think. I thought anyone who looked at me was looking at how fat I was but agian I pushed through got on the scale to see I was even heavier then I thought. Agian I started to self hate. I took the books they gave me and just followed the plan. I was kind of like a robot just doing the motions never really getting excited. the first week came I had only lost 2 pounds while thinner girls were losing 4 or 5 or even 7 pounds. The self pitty hit agian. I pushed through and did the motions another week again 1.5 pounds. I thought what on earth this stinks. Did it another week and 2 pounds again. This week i was not upset I decided it didnt matter I was going down and thats ok. I continued to go down and there were weeks that I didnt lose anything or even gained but I would quickly push out the negative thought and say its ok im on my way. I dont care how long it takes me anymore Im doing this for my health and me and thats all that matters. I have through the power of affirmations retrianed my brain to see more positively and this is a challenge I face everyday. The minute I can't comes in my brain I have a war with my thoughts and say oh yes I can and im strong and I can do it! So my posts are going to be about the struggles I have faced the ones I still face and how to get through them . I will also post my favorite recipes and new ones I make up. So for those of you embarking on a weight loss journey of your own just know YOU CAN DO THIS! I know you can I have and am still doing it. We fall we get back up and thats ok!